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I like some of your ideas here
The soundtrack is excellent - gives the whole a unified feel
Some of the framing is good and you have tried to hint at a decline towards the girl's demise
Plenty to do though
without the rewind bit the whole thing is 30 seconds so would need to be of incredible quality to access the higher marks so you will need to film more as you intend to
I really like the montage of arty shots of alcohol in your animatic - could be very effective
The shots in smoking area look odd (out of focus?) - redo